Guilt

So the Hubby's employer (better known as Satan's accomplices) changed his schedule at the last minute.  For most people this isn't a problem, but when you work out of state it does create a bit of a situation for the household.  The Hubs is Mr. Mom two days a week which is the best situation possible for our family.  The little guy only has to go to child care (ours is AMAZING by the way) three days a week so my mommy guilt isn't as large as it was with the older two that were in full time care.  Thanks to the company, I was left without childcare today.  My OCD, PPAD, and other assorted acronyms kicked in before I calmed down and sent a text to our child care provider.  Of course she didn't have drop in space at the last minute (which I totally expected) so I had to go to Plan C.  Plan B is to call my back up providers, including grandparents, college aged kiddos, and SAHM friends.  I completely skipped that step and called in a sub for myself for the day. 

If you know me, you know that is a difficult thing for me to do.  I hate missing work.  Part of it is because it is far more work to prep for a sub than it is to be at work.  Mostly, it's because I hate changing the routine of my kinders.  Kinders are religious routine followers.  Don't you dare change something up without warning them because they will hunt you down.  I had a kiddo one year grab my lesson plan book because I dared to change up the schedule.  He just to see the change in black and white.  Yep, it's that bad.  What makes it harder is having your go to subs not available for you either.  Handing off MY kinders to a new guest teacher was hard for me to wrestle with.  But I did it.  I did it because honestly, I needed a day with my baby.  In less than a month he'll be two.  He's our last baby so every first is a last to me. 

I know I changed the routine.  I know that my class could have a bad day today.  I know I'll regret getting nothing done but blogging, Facebook, and pinterest during his nap.  I know the professional in me is dying about the fact that I'm gone.  I also know that I got to play with my baby boy uninterrupted for 3 straight hours before he crashed into his bed, Mickey Mouse and football in hand.  And I know that makes it all worth it.

Update:  It helped my guilt a little that I spent part of nap time printing out some classroom materials (on my home computer since I can't print at work).

It's Official

The past two months have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me in my teaching. I've gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Teaching is rarely easy and we need to remember that at the start of each day, when you open your classroom door, it becomes all about you and your students.  Your students look to you to teach them.  To teach them, love them, and lead them.  And that's a powerful thing.  

Joy Suckers

     Lately I have fallen victim to the Joy Suckers, as my dear friend calls them.  You know who they are.  The ones that constantly complain and are so full of negative energy that you tense up each time you see them.  I know them because I've found that there are days when I roll with them.  Griping about this and that, full of hate and contempt, spewing my misery on every adult I talk to.  It's hard for me to pull myself out when I dig down deep with this crew.  My PPD and GAD make it easy to focus on the negative.  I cringe at the though of change, much less the actual living through it.  I put the spotlight on each and every thing that can, will, and is going wrong.  I push aside anything semi happy or positive.  And that makes me feel like crap.
     I decided yesterday that I have no one to blame for this attitude except myself.  Not my job, my kids, my husband, or my family.  It's all on me.  I thought about all those cheesy sayings about positive attitudes and realized that they are right.  I control my attitude and my fate.  Constantly complaining won't change anything.  I have to be a doer.  I have to do what I need to do to be happy.  Whining to every grown up within earshot isn't going to change something.  It just makes me the person people run away from when they see me walking down the hallway.  It's my job to be a role model for my children and my students by stepping up and using my big girl words to be the change that I want to be.
     One of the benefits of never being able to sleep is that I have plenty of time to browse pinterest.  I found this idea the other night and had to do it.  I feel that it's so easy to focus on the negative things someone does and much harder to see the good in them.  I wanted a way for everyone in the family to feel appreciated and to see in black and white (or blue, green, and red) how the people around them love and appreciate them.  There are days when I feel like a warden and not a mom, and I wanted a way to bring back that happiness.  By taking a few minutes each day to think of one really great thing each person did, I'm able to bring that focus back on the joy.  I'm filling myself and my family up with joy and hopefully refilling that which I've taken.  And the markers are available to anyone in the house, not just me.  I love that the girls can think about something involving the other sister that isn't a tattle.  And I love that John can see the good things that are happening when he is here.  

 

 

            
         I've also made a promise to myself that I'm going to stop being that person that sucks the joy out of those around me.  I want to be someone that others seek out because they enjoy being around me.  I want to be the friend that listens and doesn't focus on herself all of the time.  I want to stop and count my blessings, because I truly have many.