Hate, Love and Loss

Hate is a word used sparingly in our house.  The number one rule is that we do not hate any living thing and the word is used only in extreme frustration or for very serious things like hating lima beans or Mondays.  I’ve been struggling with those rules in the past day and a half.  My emotions are up and down, left and right, and they all keep traveling back to hate.  Right now the feeling is overwhelming me.  Right now I can honestly say that I hate cancer and I hate myself.

I’m also feeling loss.  I’ve lost a best friend, a mother figure, and a role model.  She watched me grow up, guided me through college and career, and later through marriage and motherhood.  She was that calming influence.  The person you could go to with any problem.  She would pray with you, laugh with you, cry with you, and help you find the best path.  You always felt like you could do anything after talking to her.  She had a wicked sense of humor.  God could she make me laugh!  She was so caring and loving.    She had the purest soul, the biggest heart, and I am blessed to call her friend. 

There was always something to get in the way of our friendship though.  Basketball games, dance classes, Girl Scout meetings and t-ball.  Then came work, lesson planning, training and studying.  There was laundry, and dishes, and mopping and sweeping.  The list was endless.  The list was also meaningless.  I let life get in the way of being a good friend.  I put myself first and what I needed above others.  Mostly above her.  I neglected our friendship.  I neglected her.

And now she’s gone.  This beautiful, amazing person was taken from us.  I never got to tell her one more time how much I loved her.  What she meant to me.  What an amazing gift she was to me.  I never got to say good bye.  Or hug her one last time.  Or pray with her again. 

Since I heard the news I’ve found myself going back and forth between sending thoughts and prayers to her and feeling an immense amount of guilt.  I hope she knew how deep my love for her is.  How much she means to me.  How I will forever hold her in my heart.  She is a piece of me.  She helped me to become what I am.  And see what I want to be.

I’ve learned a lesson from my neglect.  You can’t take your time here for granted.  Willing someone to live forever won’t make it a reality.  You can’t guarantee that they will be here for you to love, hug, and laugh with tomorrow.  You have to accept today for what it is, to embrace it, live it, and be happy in the moments that we do get.  My heart hurts for the loss and for what I never got to say, and I don’t intend to make that mistake again.   

Today while driving the Big to an appointment we heard the sirens of a fire truck as it raced past us.  I heard her say “Please bless the firefighters and those they are going to help.”  She taught my Big how to do that.  It’s one of the many pieces of her that will live on.  And I love that she is still here.